Today I was eating garlic bread – the mainstream fan favorite – and I started to think about working out. One of my friends is what can only be described as a ‘gym bro’, the sort of weirdly endearing individual who insists on microanalyzing everything that goes into their mouths using a fitness app and a tape measure and a mass spectrometer and goodness only knows what else.
I don’t mean to get cynical – some of these gym guys and girls are the fittest, happiest people I know, and they really are truly inspiring. But, as is life’s second law, everyone is the butt of the joke at some point or the other – so if there are any Gym Bros out there, sorry. You guys are handsome and smart enough to get over it.
(In case you’re wondering, the first law of life is that you should obey the second law).
Anyway, a lot of those people have been talking about no-carb diets, and I was intrigued. Sinking my teeth into the garlic and the bread of the garlic bread, I felt guilty – like a perpetrator of some horrendous crime. I imagined my gym bros surrounding me, watching me devour the forbidden fruit (carbs), shaking their perfectly shaven heads resting upon their absurdly muscular necks, and I wondered what it would be like to be a GYM BRO. My imagination took over, and I visualized myself at the gym, talking to a bro.
—
-Hey, ask me if I work out.
-Okay…do you work out?
-Yeah, I work out. What makes you think so?
-Oh, it’s just that you seem like the kind of person who works out. I think you have a vibrant, positive energy and you seem pretty diligent and committed!
-Wow, that’s so sweet of you to say!
-You’re also wearing a T-shirt that says ‘Nothing Tastes as Good as Being Jacked Feels’. Your Lycra gymshark leggings are bright pink and you’re wearing five separate wristbands that each say GOLD’S GYM in different fonts. Your Facebook profile consists exclusively of heavily edited mirror selfies in which you inexplicably constrict your body into shapes and sizes that all vaguely resemble the letter ‘S’. You eat screw heads and steroids for breakfast and refuse to drink anything but whey protein shakes and whiskey sours. You have Arnold Schwarzenegger’s face tattooed on your rear and Jeff from ATHLEAN-X’s rear tattooed on your face. You dress up as yourself for Halloween and you’re currently carrying three critical bacterial STDs. You wear hydration packs to business meetings and knee braces to divorce settlements. Also, we’re standing in a gym right now, and you’re lifting a dumbbell in each hand as we speak.
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Anway, garlic bread tastes really good, as long as there isn’t too much butter.
Half-baked Bread Heads 